“Turning my eyes carefully upon myself and watching the
course of my inward state, I have verified by experience that I do not love God,
that I have no love for my neighbours, that I have no religious belief, and
that I am filled with pride and sensuality. All this I actually find in myself
as a result of detailed examination of my feelings and conduct, thus:
“ 1. I do not love God.
For if I loved God I should be continually thinking about Him with heartfelt
joy. Every thought of God would give me gladness and delight. On the contrary,
I much more often and much more eagerly think about earthly things, and
thinking about God is labour and dryness. If I loved God, then talking with Him
in prayer would be my nourishment and delight and would draw me to unbroken
communion with Him. But, on the contrary, I not only find no delight in prayer,
but even find it an effort. I struggle with reluctance, I am enfeebled by
sloth, and am ready to occupy myself eagerly with any unimportant trifle, if
only it shortens prayer and keeps me from it. My time slips away unnoticed in
futile occupations, but when I am occupied with God, when I put myself into His
presence every hour seems like a year. If one person loves another, he thinks
of him throughout the day, he cares for him, and in all circumstances his beloved
friend is never out of his thoughts. But I, throughout the day, scarcely set
aside even a single hour in which to sink deep down into meditation upon God,
to inflame my heart with love of Him, while I eagerly give up twenty-three
hours as fervent offerings to the idols of my passions. I am forward in talk
about frivolous matters and things which degrade the spirit; that gives me
pleasure. But in the consideration of God I am dry, bored and lazy. Even if I
am unwillingly drawn drawn by others into spiritual conversation, I try to
shift the subject quickly to one which pleases my desires. I am tirelessly
curious about novelties, about civic affairs and political events; I eagerly
seek the satisfaction of my love of knowledge in science and art, and in ways
of getting things I want to possess. But the study of the Law of God, the
knowledge of God and of religion, make little impression on me, and satisfy no
hunger of soul. I regard these things not only as a non-essential occupation
for a Christian, but in a casual way as a sort of side-issue with which I
should perhaps occupy my spare time, at odd moments. To put it shortly, if love
for God is recognized by the keeping of His commandments (If ye love Me, keep My commandments, says our Lord Jesus Christ), and
I not only do not keep them, but even make little attempt to do so, then in
absolute truth the conclusion follows that I do not love God. That is what
Basil the Great says: ‘The proof that a man does not love God and His Christ
lies in the fact that he does not keep His commandments.’
“ 2. I do not love my
neighbour either. For not only am I unable to make up my mind to lay down
my life for his sake (according to the Gospel), but I do not even sacrifice my
happiness, well-being and peace for the good of my neighbour. If I did love him
as myself, as the Gospel bids, his misfortunes would distress me also, his
happiness would bring delight to me too. But, on the contrary, I listen to
curious, unhappy stories about my neighbour, and I am not distressed; I remain
quite undisturbed or, what is still worse, I find a sort of pleasure in them.
Bad conduct on the part of my brother I do not cover up with love, but proclaim
abroad with censure. His well-being, as if they were something quite quite
alien to me, give me no feeling of gladness. What is more, they subtly arouse
in me feelings of envy or contempt.
“ 3. I have no
religious belief. Neither in immortality nor in the Gospel. If I were
firmly persuaded and believed without doubt beyond the grave lies eternal life
and recompense for the deeds in this life, I should be continually thinking of
this. The very idea of immortality would terrify me and I should lead this life
as a foreigner who gets ready to enter his native land. On the contrary, I do
not even think about eternity, and I regard the end of this earthly life as the
limit of my existence. The secret thought nestles within me: Who knows what
happens at death? If I say I believe in immortality, then I am speaking about
my mind only, and my heart is far removed from a firm conviction about it. That
is openly witnessed to by my conduct and my constant care to satisfy the life
of the senses. Were the Holy Gospel taken into my heart in faith, as the Word
of God, I should be continually occupied with it, I should study it, find
delight in it and with deep devotion fix my attention upon it. Wisdom, mercy,
love, are hidden in it; it would lead me to happiness, I should find gladness
in the study of the Law of God day and night. In it I should find nourishment
like my daily bread and my heart would be drawn to the keeping of its laws.
Nothing on earth would be strong enough to turn me away from it. On the
contrary, if now and again I read or hear the Word of God, yet even so it is
only from necessity or from a general love of knowledge, and approaching it
without any very close attention, I find it dull and uninteresting. I usually
come to the end to change over to secular reading in which I take more pleasure
and find new and interesting subjects.
“ 4. I am full of
pride and sensual self-love. All my actions confirm this. Seeing something
good in myself, I want to bring it into view, or to pride myself upon it before
other people or inwardly to admire myself for it. Although I display an outward
humility, yet I ascribe it all to my own strength and regard myself as superior
to others, or at least no worse than they. If i notice a fault in myself, I try
to excuse it, I cover it up by saying, ‘I am made like that’ or ‘I am not to blame.’ I get angry with those
who do not treat me with respect and consider them unable to appreciate the
value of people. I brag about my gifts: my failures in any undertaking I regard
as a personal insult. I murmur, and I find pleasure in the unhappiness of my
enemies. If I strive after anything good it is for the purpose of winning
praise, or spiritual self-indulgence, or earthly consolation. In a word, I
continually make an idol of myself and render it uninterrupted service, seeking
in all things the pleasures of the senses, and nourishment for my sensual
passions and lusts.
“Going over all this I see myself as proud, adulterous,
unbelieving, without love to God and hating my neighbour. What state could be
more sinful? The condition of the spirits of darkness is better than mine.
They, although they do not love God, hate men, and live upon pride, yet at
least believe and tremble. But I? Can there be a doom more terrible than that
which faces me, and what sentence of punishment will be more severe than that
upon the careless and foolish life that I recognize in myself?”
-Anonymous-
Source:
The Way of a Pilgrim and the Pilgrim Continues His Way, pp.
146-150
