DEAR SON,
Now that you have been dating for a while, I thought now would be a
good time to remind you of some of the discussions we’ve had on this
topic. Before you started dating, remember all of those important things
we talked about? Remember how we even read in God’s word that part of
my responsibility in training you to be a Christian young man is to help
you in your dating life, and to ensure
that you are going about this whole dating thing properly (Prov. 9:9 and
22:6)? So let’s take this opportunity to go over some things.
At you age it can be hard to keep the ultimate goal of dating clearly in your sights. Marriage. I can tell by the look you’re giving me that you and your girlfriend are not exactly ready to start sending out wedding invitations. That’s okay. Really, it is. Dating can be an exciting experience to know someone at a deeper level than other friends; it’s engaging in fun activities like going out to eat or going to the beach. Of course it’s enjoyable- it should be! But, remember, all of these activities are for a purpose; for both of you to get to know each other well enough to decide if you are compatible for marriage.
At you age it can be hard to keep the ultimate goal of dating clearly in your sights. Marriage. I can tell by the look you’re giving me that you and your girlfriend are not exactly ready to start sending out wedding invitations. That’s okay. Really, it is. Dating can be an exciting experience to know someone at a deeper level than other friends; it’s engaging in fun activities like going out to eat or going to the beach. Of course it’s enjoyable- it should be! But, remember, all of these activities are for a purpose; for both of you to get to know each other well enough to decide if you are compatible for marriage.
Yeah, I
know- some of your friends’ parents let them date just for fun. They
don’t have to think about marriage when they ask a girl out. But
remember what we decided when we talked about this last time?
Approaching dating with a casual attitude can be fraught with
difficulties. No, I’m not saying that all of your friends are sinning
when they date “for fun”. But we can’t deny that there is a world of
temptations that accompany dating, and that these temptations are
difficult enough to handle when dating is approached with the
seriousness that it deserves. To pick just one example, you know that
all Christians are called to remain chaste (Ex. 20:14; Rom. 13:13, 1
Cor. 6: 18-20, Eph. 5:3, 1 Thess. 4:3, and many others), and that this
becomes especially important for dating couples. I’m sure you can agree
that starting a dating relationship with the attitude that it is “just
for fun” is not the wisest way for sanctified young people to remain
chaste. Note this too: I can see what kind of world we live in right
now. There is an incredible pressure on guys your age not to grow up,
but instead to continue having fun and living a carefree and casual life
well into your 20s. Obviously this particular pressure plays right into
the idea of “casual dating”. As a Christian young man, you are called
to mature—to grow up (1 Cor. 13:11; Eph. 4:13-15, 2 Tim. 2:22). I
understand that it must be very hard to say no to that type of
lifestyle, and instead start to grow up and mature right now at your
age. Realize this though: if you start dating without taking it
seriously, you will inevitably develop certain habits and a mindset that
can be harmful when you begin a serious dating relationship. However,
if, at the beginning of your dating life, you start with a sanctified
attitude that looks towards marriage and the seriousness that it
entails, you will have a certain amount of help against the temptations
inherent in dating (2 Tim. 2:21; 1 Thess. 4:3-5).
So, are you dating
with an attitude toward marriage, and specifically, marrying in the
Lord? I know.. you’re right. It is easy for old married couple like me
to throw out ideas like “attitude toward marriage” and “marrying in the
Lord” without really telling you what they mean or giving some practical
advice about how to do it. Let’s take “marrying in the Lord” first,
because I think you probably already have a good idea what that means.
Marrying in the Lord can be thought of as making the Lord the absolute
center of your marriage relationship (Eph. 5:22-33). Yes, the fact that
you are dating a girl who openly and faithfully attends a good church is
evidence that you started in the right place. In order to have a
relationship centered on Christ, both individuals in the relationship
obviously have to be committed to the Christian faith (2 Cor. 6:14).
However, finding a confessing Christian to date is really only the
beginning. Ensuring that Christ will be the center of your future
marriage relationship requires that you engage in certain activities and
have a certain attitude while you date—an attitude toward marrying in
the Lord.
If Christ is going to be the center of your marriage, it is probably a good idea to make Him the center of your dating relationship. Yes, I know that sounds very serious! But think about it. If through dating you build a relationship with a girl, and that relationship is not centered on Christ, do you really think that when you decide to get married that you will easily be able to change the center of your relationship to one rooted in Christ? No, probably not. Develop the Christ-centered relationship now, before it’s too late!
If Christ is going to be the center of your marriage, it is probably a good idea to make Him the center of your dating relationship. Yes, I know that sounds very serious! But think about it. If through dating you build a relationship with a girl, and that relationship is not centered on Christ, do you really think that when you decide to get married that you will easily be able to change the center of your relationship to one rooted in Christ? No, probably not. Develop the Christ-centered relationship now, before it’s too late!
Let’s discuss some of the practical activities that you should be doing
that will help develop this attitude. Prayer and searching the
Scriptures really have to form the basis of your “attitude towards
marriage” activities. You’re right—that shouldn’t be a big surprise.
Start with prayer and Scripture reading by yourself. You need wisdom to
make the right decisions about your behavior while you are dating, about
whether the girl you are dating is the right kind of girl for you, and
ultimately about whether a marriage between and your girlfriend is
right. Pray for wisdom pertaining to these things (James 1:5), pray for
it with the understanding that this wisdom is not going to come like a
flash of inspiration in your mind. You need to pray that you will
appropriately apply the wisdom contained in God’s word with respect to
these things. Proverbs is full of wisdom for the time in your life when
you are dating. So is Ephesians. Read these books and meditate on God’s
Word’s found there. Think about the girl you are dating and your conduct
while you are dating with her, and apply the words and ideas found in
Proverbs. Also pray for yourself that you will be able to be a strong
spiritual leader in your relationship. You know this is the role that
you will have in marriage, so start praying about it now. Search out the
wisdom contained in the Scripture for how to be this type of person. If
you think that you are mature enough to date a girl, you had better be
mature enough to be the spiritual leader in the relationship. No, right
now you don’t have to have the spiritual maturity and leadership
qualities that a veteran of marriage has, but you definitely need to
realize what your role is and take the initiative to begin developing
that role.
But don’t just keep these spiritual exercises to
yourself. Pray with your girlfriend. Pray that Christ will be the center
of your relationship. Pray that your relationship at this point in your
dating life is glorifying to God in all aspects. Read Scripture with
your girlfriend. Discuss and meditate on Scripture with your girlfriend.
And don’t just pack these activities into the few minutes at the end of
the date. Engage in conversations about your faith while you are with
each other. Talk about points in sermons that you particularly enjoyed
or that you didn’t understand. Discuss religious books or articles that
you have read. In this way you will build the strong foundations that
are so critical for a godly, happy marriage. If you aren’t engaging in
these spiritual activities, that is good evidence that you are not
currently interested in marrying in the Lord. As we said before,
marrying in the Lord doesn’t start at some point in the future while you
are in premarital counseling right before your wedding; it starts right
now while you are dating. Listen to this too: if you are not engaging
in these spiritual activities with your girlfriend, and your girlfriend
does not seem at all concerned about you lack of spiritual activities,
that is a good sign that she does not have the proper concern for
marrying in the Lord either. You need to be a leader in this respect,
and if she is simply not aware of these things that we are discussing,
you need patiently and prayerfully to lead her into an understanding of
their critical importance.
There is one more thing that I, from my
perspective as a father, recommend that you do. Get to know her parents,
and get to know them at a level that is deeper than casual pleasant
conversation. Don’t be afraid to have a real, meaningful conversations
with them. Discuss religion and your faith with them as opportunities
present themselves. I can promise you that any parents who are truly
concerned for their daughter’s spiritual well-being will be thrilled to
have these conversations with you.
Son, I’m thrilled that you are
dating, and that things seem to be going well. There is really nothing
in this life that can compare to developing Christ-centered
relationships and marrying in the Lord.
Nathan Lanning
[Nathan is married, a father, and a member of Trinity Protestant Reformed Church in Hudsonville, Michigan]
Beacon Lights (Magazine of the Protestant Reformed Young People),
Nathan Lanning
[Nathan is married, a father, and a member of Trinity Protestant Reformed Church in Hudsonville, Michigan]
Beacon Lights (Magazine of the Protestant Reformed Young People),
Volume LLXXIII Number 5
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