Letter to a Young Man in Waiting

DEAR SON,

I'd like to have a brief talk with you about your dating life. I know-- you haven't started dating yet. But I know that you want to, so now is probably the best time for us to have this discussion. Before we start, you should know that I think it is okay that you are not dating right now-- I don't want you to get the impression that you have to be dating at this stage in your life. Yet, you want to enjoy marriage someday, and dating is obviously the first step in that direction.

From talks that we've had before, I know that you would like to have your own family "when you get older." Scripture says that this is a good goal for you to have (Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 18:22, Psalm 127:3). As you know, this is a very serious goal-- one that has to be approached in the right way (2 Corinthians 6:14). So, I hope that you are putting some real thought into approaching this in the right way. A lot of people your age have a difficult time knowing when to start seriously thinking about and pursuing this type of goal. Maybe you feel that you are not old enough to begin planning and preparing for something like marriage, which seems like it will take place far into the future.

There are a couple of things that we can say here. First, hopefully you understand that you have already been preparing for marriage for many years. Yes, really, you have. You have heard many sermons about marriage relationships (such as how the Lord provided a wife for Isaac in Genesis 24, or how Ephesians 5 describes marriage as a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church), you have been instructed about important principles of marriage during your catechism training (for instance, the applications associated with Lord's Day 41), and during your personal worship you have been praying that god will lead you in your life according to His will. Now it is time for you to begin using the knowledge and wisdom that you have gained from these past experiences to begin pursuing your goal of marriage.

Second, you have already made confession of faith, and by that you have proclaimed before god and men that you understand and subscribe to the Reformed faith. By our public confession you have shown that, by God's grace, you possess a certain level of maturity. That's right-- your public confession of faith is evidence that you are mature enough to understand important aspects of life like dating. That is why we did not let you date before your confession of faith. I know-- many of your friends have been dating for years before they made their confession of faith, and some of them still haven't stood up to confess Christ and the Reformed faith. And yes, I understand how you think this has put you at a disadvantage in your dating life. While some of your peers have been dating for years and have become really comfortable with the dating process, you had to sit on the sidelines. Now you feel that you are jumping into the dating arena late, after many others have gained lots of dating experience. But I still do believe that until you had both the understanding and maturity publicly to confess Christ and the Reformed faith, that you did not have the proper understanding and maturity to date seriously. The purpose of dating is to find a spouse. The relationship between spouses is one that reflects the relationship of Christ and the church. How could we let you participate in a dating relationship if you were not yet mature enough to confess publicly that you understood and believed what the ultimate purpose of dating of? You are now a young man who has confessed Christ. Now it is time for you to be a man in your understanding of dating. Put away the childish idea that dating is something you do in high school for fun. Use your Christian maturity along with the wisdom and knowledge you have gained about marriage to guide you as you think about dating-- put your faith into practice in this respect!

So, what are some of the ways that you can put your faith into practice as you look towards dating? I know we already said that you have a certain level of maturity, but let's talk about that a little bit more. There is at least one way you should be looking to gain additional maturity. Don't ever pause in your own personal devotional and worship life. As a man, you know that you will be required to lead in the worship life of your marriage as you pray and study the Holy Scriptures together. Because this is such an important aspect of marriage, you should definitely be praying and searching God's word with the young woman that you date. So, you need to prepare yourself for this role now, before you start dating. Search the Scriptures now with an eye towards those passages that you think would be good to study during your dating life. For example, you can study the book of James for practical advice on living a sanctified life with the young woman that you date, or as your relationship matures you can study the many Scriptural passages that give direct advice on marriage itself. Pray for wisdom and confidence in this respect-- it is a great responsibility and one that is necessary for a healthy dating relationship.

Let;s move on to another way that you can put your faith into practice in your future dating life. As we've said a couple of times already: you have a godly desire to have a marriage and family of your own. This means that, at some point, you are going to have to approach a young woman and discuss this with her! This will take a certain amount of confidence on your part. So, you need to be confident in they type of young woman that you want to date. Obviously, you want to date a young woman, who, like you, has made it clear that she loves the Lord and is committed to the same faith as you are. You've heard this said many times before, so I won't dwell on it other than to say that this is actually pretty important. You really do need to find a young woman who is both not afraid to demonstrate her love of God and who has united herself with the same Reformed faith as you have. The young woman that exhibits these characteristics is likely mature enough to date and is likely spiritually compatible with you. Remember, when you begin to date, you are not just out to have a good time; you are instead out to enjoy a relationship with someone and at the same time find out if they are compatible with you for marriage. This means that you should look to date a young woman you have a certain level of confidence regarding what type of wife and mother she would be. Make sure you evaluate these things as you consider young women that you might consider dating. Finding this type of relationship will make the dating experience extremely enjoyable! Having said all of this, having confidence in the type of girl you want to date isn't necessarily going to take away all of the anxiety associated with asking a girl out. If you are like me, there is really no way to completely get around that anxiety. But remember, the Holy Spirit speaks many times in the Scriptures about anxiety (Philippians 4:6-7, 1 Peter 5:6-8, Matthew 11:28-30, Psalm 55:22). Go to your heavenly Father in prayer and cast your anxieties about approaching a girl on Him. You will find help through searching the Scriptures and in prayer-- even for nervousness about dating!

Please know that your mother and I are praying for you in this respect. We pray that you will remember those things that you have been taught about marriage as you look ahead towards dating. We pray that you will have the confidence necessary to find and approach a godly young woman. We pray that you will find much enjoyment in your future dating life. And we also pray that you will come to us and ask us for advice if and when you need it.

-DAD

Nathan Lanning

Beacon Lights, July 2014, Volume LXXIII Number 7, pp. 7-9

www.beaconlights.org 

*Nathan Lanning is a member if Trinity Reformed Church in Hudsonville, Michigan.    

Letter to a Dating Young Woman

DEAR FRIEND,

So, you're dating. I heard he's a pretty cool guy, and easy on the eyes too. Oh, and he's on soccer team, and he gets good grades, huh? I bet you love hanging out with him. Those dating years are so much fun. So, are you going to marry him?

Say what? Yeah, I know. You're only 16 (or maybe 18 or 21). Way too young to think about getting married, right? Wrong. You may not be old enough or mature enough actually to get married yet, but you're old enough to think about getting married. If you're old enough to date, then you're old enough to think about marriage. Because after all, why are you dating? It's so easy to date just for fun... because let's be honest, having a boyfriend can be a lot of fun. But you should be dating in order to get to know him better. Because it's only after you know him well that you can decide if this is someone you could (or should) marry someday.

So think about your boyfriend. If you married him, would you be marrying in the Lord?

"Marrying in the Lord." That's a phrase that you've probably heart quite a bit. Of course, it means that you marry a fellow believer. Someone who worships the same God and Lord as you do. 2 Corinthians 6:14 reminds us to be "not unequally yoked together with unbelievers." But what exactly does that mean? I'm going to tell you right now that marrying in the Lord doesn't just mean that you marry someone that belongs to a denomination with the right initials. Or that you marry someone who is willing to join your denomination, It goes much deeper than that. 

You should be dating someone who can and will become a godly husband and father. He will need to step up to the plate as the spiritual leader in your home someday, as we read in 1 Corinthians 11:3: "the head of the woman is the man." You and your children will need to rely on him for spiritual guidance and support. I don't mean that he needs to have the  maturity and wisdom of a 40-year-old father right now, today. But you should see signs that he could someday fill that position, and he should be showing a desire and willingness to grow into that role.

So how in the world do you know if your boyfriend can be all that if you would marry him? Of course, none of us can predict the future. And maybe it's even a little bit scary to think that far ahead. But there are almost always signs, whether positive or negative, that will become clear if you ask yourself (and maybe your boyfriend) some questions. These are question that you can and should be asking  as your relationship progresses. Some of the "right" answers will depend on your (and his) situation. But if you don't like most of the answers, then you should  probably ask yourself one more question: Why am I dating this person?

How was he raised? For what did he get disciplined? Would he raise his children the same way, or would he do things slightly different than his parents did? Did his parents obey the command in Ephesians 6:4b to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?" 

What is his dad like? How does he lead the family devotions? How does his dad treat his mom? What kinds of things do he and his dad do together? Do they watch and play sports together? If so, that's fine. But do they discuss sermons too? If his dad is not a positive role model, does your boyfriend see and understand this?

What kind of relationship do his parents have? Remember, this is the marriage model he has observed for much of his life and may try to imitate.

How does he treat his siblings? Does he get along with them? If he has older siblings, are they a positive or negative influence on his thoughts and decisions? Do you like his siblings? If you get married, they will be part of your family for the rest of your life.

How does his family observe the Sabbath? Does he faithfully attend both services? What about between services... is the TV on? Or is Beacon Lights open?

Is he someone you can respect? Can you see yourself submitting willingly to his leadership? Ephesians 5:22 doesn't say "sometimes" or "most of the time" when it instructs us to "submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."

How does he react when you bring up spiritual matters? Does it make him uncomfortable to talk about the sermon? Or can he discuss preservation of the saints just as willingly as he analyzes his most recent soccer game?

How does he handle disagreements? Does he attend Bible Study and/or Young People's Society? This is important for his spiritual development, especially since he will someday be head of his home. 

IS he good-looking? Oh, wait, that doesn't really matter. If you're attracted to his personality, then his outward appearance automatically becomes attractive to you as well, doesn't it? 

Does he listen to and willingly take advice from those older and wiser than he? Or does he always have all the answers? Proverbs 1:7 reminds us that "The fear of the Lord is the begining of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction."

What kind of work ethic does he have? How does he speak about his employer? Laziness is not cool, and someday it will mean that you might not be able to afford groceries or pay the tuition bill. 1 Timothy 5:8: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." As well, is he a good steward of his money, or does he spend it on frivolous things? Does he give to the church? Is he willing to support you so that you can someday stay home with your children? 

Does he listen to what you have to say? Or does he brush it off as unimportant? Does he treat you the same when you're alone together as he does in front of his friends, or does he act "too cool" and put you down when his guy friends are around?

Does he make you want to be a better person? Does he encourage you to grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ?

Do you like him for who he is right now? Of course, we all grow and learn, and change as we mature. But if you think you can change someone's personality after you get married, you're dreaming.

Does he respect your body and your desire to remain pure? Or does he push to make your relationship more physical than you want it to be?

For that matter, are you concerned about remaining pure? The temptations are ever present and very real, aren't they? 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to "Flee fornication." That doesn't just mean walk around it, but run away from it. So many things could be said here, but the best advice I can give you is to use common sense. Don't hang out in your bedroom wit the door closed. Go on dates in public places. Don't send texts with double meanings. Go on double-dates with your friends, or hang out in group settings. Keep your jokes clean. Don't wear shirts that give your boyfriend an eyeful. Don't sit in a car in the corner of a dark parking lot to "talk". Pray regularly with your boyfriend. Before, during, or after your date... or all three would be fine too! It makes it a whole lot more difficult to "go too far" if you know you're going to pray together at the end of the night.

So, back to all these questions you're asking yourself. The point of these questions is to encourage you to look beyond how much fun you've been having with your boyfriend on the weekends. There's nothing wrong with having fun together. In fact, if you don't have fun together, then you should seriously consider breaking up with him. But think about what kind of man he will mature into. Think about building a life, a home, a family together. A marriage is much more than a series of Friday nights. If you cannot imagine spending a lifetime together, or you do not think your boyfriend will ever grow to be a spiritual leader, then by all means end your relationship now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to have that conversation.

If you like the answers to a lot of those questions, and all signs point to your boyfriend's growing into a godly father and husband, then we have a few more things to talk about. I was in your shoes not all that long ago, so hopefully you don't mind if I pass along a few words of advice. Not because I know it all, but because I care about you and your relationship.

Be yourself. Don't hide your true personality. Not only is this living a lie, but it's not fair to your boyfriend. Be honest and open. If he doesn't like you for who you are, then he's not someone you'd want to marry anyway. 

Laugh together. Enjoy your time together! But ask the hard questions and have the serious talks too. This is your opportunity to get to know each other. Take advantage to it.

Be realistic in your expectations. Romance doesn't have to be expensive, and guys don't always remember important dates. Extend grace, offer to plan the outing once in awhile, and remind your boyfriend that a five dollar pizza eaten at the beach together is wonderful!

Don't ditch your girlfriends. Yes, its important to spend time with your boyfriend, getting to know each other. But time apart is healthy too. As well, as k your girlfriends their opinion about your boyfriend. I don't mean you should "kiss and tell" or gossip, but you can ask your friends for their honest opinion about your relationship. Good, true friends usually have solid insight and advice.

It texting, Instagraming, tweetin, and posting Facebook statuses are the primary ways you communicate with each other, then you need to schedule a real date that doesn't involve any sort of screen. Face-to-face communication is vital to any relationship. Marriage means you'll spend a lot of time together and hiding behind your keyboard is no way to prepare for that. Fifty or sixty years is a long time to live with someone whom you can't look in the eye.

Pray. Pray with your boyfriend, and pray for your boyfriend. Pray for guidance in your relationship. Ask God to help you remain chaste. Pray that God will form and shape each of you into a godly spouse.

Enjoy this time in your life. Marriage is a good and beautiful thing, but don't wish away these months or years of dating. Almost every girl day dreams about getting swept off her feet, but the reality is that it takes time to get to know someone.

Talk to your parents. And to his parents. Tell them where you went on your date and what you did. Or go out for dinner as a couple, but then have dessert and play cards with Dad and Mom. Ask your mom how she knew that your dad was "the one." Make sure your boyfriend can look your dad in the eye. Don't forget that Dad and Mom dated too. Your parents faced the same issues, temptations, and questions that you are facing right now, so believe it or not, they really do "get it."

Don't expect perfection. I gave you a list of questions as a starting point. But those questions are not designed to help you find a perfect guy. They're supposed to help you decide if the guy you're with is the perfect guy for you. If you dump your knight the first time you see a crack in his armor, you'll probably find something wrong with the next guy too. And the next one.

Be careful about dropping the L word. Just because he says it doesn't mean you have to say it back if you're not ready. True love is not that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you hold hands for the first time. Not is true love portrayed by anything that comes out of Hollywood or Nashville. Love is choice and a commitment.

Remember that your identity is found in Christ. Your worth does not depend on your boyfriend's remembering to text you, and your value does not rest on how many dates it took to get your first kiss. You are a sinner saved by grace, fearfully and wonderfully made in his image... and as such, are a beloved child of God.

I sincerely hope that he's "the one", and I'm praying that God will guide your relationship.

Your friend,
Lisa

Lisa is a wife and mother, and a member of Grandville Protestant Reformed Church in Grandville, Michigan. 

Source: Beacon Lights (Magazine of the Protestant Reformed Young People)
April 2014, Volume LXXIII Number 4, pp. 9-11
www.beaconlights.org